Faking hard to be real...

Everyday I convince myself that I don't care what others say about me. I'mma do me I whisper into my pillow before I start my day. A small part of that is true. I live for God and my close, immediate family. That's it. No one else. But I found myself caring about how my actions affect others. There's people I interact with that I could take or leave them. But I know that they don't feel the same about me that I do about them. So I smile and carry on.

You're the one that I think about all daaaay

I wrote this blog entry a long time ago. I was going through my draft folder and was like, whoa, I should upload this. And with the wedding fastly approaching, it makes sense. I'm not going to reveal as much as I did like Locks situation but hey, here's some of me and Officer's background :)

I'm pretty open about my background. I gave you a glimpse of my early "love" life with Locks here, part 2 and finally part 3. I write about my past not to gain sympathy but to build a basis for some of the opinions I might express on this blog.

Officer is the biggest support system I have in my life. I honestly don't have parental figures that give me advice, check up on me or anything like that so I often bounce my ideas off of Officer. But how did we get so  close? Let me begin....

Yes to the Dress!

I got my wedding dress guys! It's beautiful AND white ;) The funniest and best part of my fitting, was that my gown fits me like a glove. I literally can't gain or lose a pound or else I'd have to pay for alterations. I was so nervous about my gown only because I ordered it online without seeing it in person. I like the style and ordered it in good faith. Viva my wedding day. I'm about to stunt on hoes. Not really.

50 days!

-Toodles

Can you spot me... a job?

Be patient, it'll happen......


Something will work out, watch.....


Just wait on the Lord.....



You'll get a job soon.....

CAN YOU PAY MY BILLS? CAN YOU PAY MY TELEPHONE BILLS? CAN YOU PAY MY AUTOMOBILES? I DON'T THINK YOU DO....

Old school R&B, I know, I just rolled my eyes too...

This is what I want to scream out every time someone tells me a variation of the lines above. Every statement has the possibility of being true HOWEVER, I needs a job. Bills keep coming and my woe as me cries aren't doing nothing but giving me a week extension. Now look, I'm not hand to mouth. When I say I'm broke this translates to: Not having extra money. Like, to go out or getting pedi & mani and all bullsh*t that us women like. It also means that I'm spending reserves. Money for the wedding, etc. My youngest is still enrolled in daycare even though I'm unemployed because I pay a decent rate and don't want to lose her spot in case I get a job. *Ahem* For when I get a job Trying to be positive :) 

So friends and family, hush. I know and believe that I'll get a job. I'm stressing about these automobills....

-Toodles

Weekly Wrap Up

I lost some weight. Down 4 lbs in two weeks. I'm not impressed. I could have lost more if I completed more cardio and eliminated some carbs. I now have 397 more pounds to drop before June 17, 2012. It's fastly approaching and I have to get on that good foot.

I know I said something about before pictures... BUT I'll have some soon. I'm starting p90x tomorrow and really want y'all to see some real progress since I intend to go hard. My wedduing dress is form fitting and I want to look right. Which also means no spanx. How uncomfortable will that be after 5+ hours, ugh.


*thinks...*

Um, what's new... Oh, I continue to hate my job. Me makes no money. Me sad. However, I have an interview with an up and coming casino in the banker role Tuesday. I don't know if I want it or not especially since casinos are 365/7. I'd be pissed if I had to work holidays, trust.

And that's that. I haven't been blogging as much as I use to but I've been both busy and/or lazy. Call me out on it ;)



-Toodles

A shorty...

I can't stand timid adults. Speak up for your fucking selves!!!!!

What, the person's going to stop being your friend? So what!!! Get a new damn friend!

What, the person's going to say no? Find someone who will says YES.

All these passive aggressive sh*t needs to go ------> I can't enjoy myself in my own home because of your bs. Dude, not cool.

Use your spine! Jesus Christ, my personal savior gave all of us one. It's free, hone into it.

I had to release this rant from my fingers. I just can't deal!

Whew.

-Toodles

Sign my Friendship Contract

I seem to have a little problem. Besides not updating this blog on a regular basis, Wedding, School, Work REPEAT! I've been internally venting about my friendships with certain people. You see, two years ago I was basically without friends. Now you might say, gurl, everybody has friends, whatcha mean? Well, I don't categorize everyone as a friend. We're not in kindergarten, just because we know each other, a friend does not make. So I actively went about finding friends.....

Blah blah blah, I already wrote about how I felt about friendship here.

But...
There is a reason for this post. For the past couple of months, I've been in a runt. I've had some weekends where my kids were with auntiegranniedaddy. I was free but had nowhere to go. Scratch that, I had places to go but no one to go with. Yes, Officer and I went out a couple of times but I needed a girl's night out. Drinking, dancing and being acting sexy. But alas, this did not happen. For whatever reason, me, a person with three kids and multiple things going on, has more availability than everyone I know. Who would have thunk it? Other times when I called texted, everyone had plans that I obviously wasn't invited to. *cues tears*

After having an adult temper tantrum this Saturday because I was basically stood up, I declared to my bedroom furniture, I needed new friends!

But how do you ask someone to be your friend? I've meet people at work, the salon and other places, where I thought to myself, Self she could be your friend. But my problem is I don't know how to turn it into exchanging information. Everything I thought up sounded like a pick up line and that's not hot! *bounces like Tamar*

That's right, bounce like me boo, she, me, her!

I definitely need to draft up some friendship contacts and sent them 1st class to my current friends on some Housewives of Atlanta shit. I will be heard! Or invited out.

I'm so into my feelings y'all. :(



-Toodles

Verizon Wireless wants half Eddie!

For the past 2 months I have been fussing and shaking my fist at Verizon Wireless. For reasons I can't justify now, I switched service from Sprint. After comparing wireless plans, I decided to port my number over to Verizon since they were having a promotion for 4gb of data at $30 a month. I got a free phone and kept on stepping.

Tierra sees a movie: Act of Valor

I saw Act of Valor with Officer and my brother in law this afternoon. When I say I walked out the theater with a puffed out  chest, wiping tears... man. This movie is definitely a successful recruitment video. My 28 year old self would have signed on the dotted line right then and there. Wow, wow, and more wow.
Act of Valor was action packed with just the right mix of emotion to keep you invested.

Team USA! What sacrifices "our" boys give up to keep us ignorant of the threats to our freedom. I'm truly appreciative :)



-Toodles

Funny but oh so true, Sales 101

This explains to a T my past 7 years in cellular sales any sales job actually. Too funny AND too sad.

-Toodles

Been gone for a minute now I'm back with the jump off...

Hey chickees and chickos! I have so much to update y'all on but I have to collect and organize all my thoughts. Give me some time okay? I promise it'll be worth it :)

-Toodles

Answering questions pt 2

1. Part 2
2. 
   
3. What’s your favorite cartoon character, and why?
4. I use to be obsessed with Disney's Pocahontas in middle school (shuttie, I was eccentric) and would buy everything with the cartoon on it. Pencils, watches, stickers etc. Yes I know I was 12 but... nevermind.
5.  If you could visit any place in the world, where would you choose to go and why
6. I want to go to Egypt badly. I went through a phase where I would read any book I could find on mummies and King Tut. I've been to Walter's Art Gallery in Balto more times than I can count to look at the mummy on display. I need to go post haste.
7. What’s the ideal dream job for you?
8. My ideal dream job would be mentoring inner city teens with unlimited funds. But since I don't have Oprah money, state or federal would be fine.
9. Are you a morning or night person?
10. Morning person. Once I'm up I'm ready to start my day. I don't understand napping.
11. What are your favorite hobbies?
12. I use to love sketching but that gift faded with time. Previously I would answer watching television but I just got back into reading so reading?
13. What are your pet peeves or interesting things about you that you dislike?
14. I hate liars, people who don't take other's feelings into account, lazy people, cluttered spaces 
15. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?
16. Alligator bites, taste like overcooked chicken
17. Name one of your favorite things about someone in your family.
18. I love my middle daughter's humor :)
19. Tell us about a unique or quirky habit of yours.
20. I have OCD about time. If you tell me you're 10 mins away, please be 10 mins away. I countdown my time at work. I'm always checking the clock. Neurotic.
21. If you had to describe yourself using three words, it would be…
22. Funny? Compassionate. Giving.
23. If someone made a movie of your life would it be a drama, a comedy, a romantic-comedy, action film, or science fiction?
24. I'm going to combine both Drama and Comedy. Dramatic-Comedy. There o_O
25. If I could be anybody besides myself, I would be…
26. I would be Oprah. Not just for the money but bc of the power and respect she receives because of the money. 

Is there anything you want to ask me? Just hit the comment box and I promise to issue an honest and timely response. 

-Toodles 

Answering questions pt 1

1. I know I share a ton of myself on this blog but sometimes I hit a wall on what else I could share. I found these ice breaker questions and decided to answer them. Here's part 1. Enjoy.

1. If you could have an endless supply of any food, what would you get?
2. Fried chicken fried hard w/ french fries
3. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
4. I would be an elephant. They're big and graceful creatures. Elephants travel in herds of all females which I think is cool and help raise each others young. I can dig it.
5. What is one goal you’d like to accomplish during your lifetime?
6. I would like to open a center for young parents where they can receive free childcare as long as they stay in school. It will also have a job center, job training, and parental classes.
7. When you were little, who was your favorite super hero and why?
8. Although not a "super hero" I love XMEN's Mystique. To be able to transform into anyone? Well damn. I could get in a lot of trouble with that power... ;)
9. Who is your hero? (a parent, a celebrity, an influential person in one’s life)
10. I really don't have a hero. I love Billie Holiday and her story. 
11. What’s your favorite thing to do in the summer?
12. My favorite thing to do in the summer... travel and try new things. Anything to get out of the house and have a good time. 
13. If they made a movie of your life, what would it be about and which actor would you want to play you?
14. Hmmm... That's a hard one. I think I would want a movie about my life, birth to teen. I can't think of any actresses to play me. I got a big ego *ahem*
15. If you were an ice cream flavor, which one would you be and why?
16. I would be vanilla. Nice and creamy. 
17. 
    

It's time for school BITCHES!

School starts next Monday and I'm just figuring out my schedule. My original plan of attending a continuing education trade class fell through because I couldn't use my financial aid. I could've taken out a school loan but why start now? I figured I might as well try and complete my degree. My first obstacle was $$$$. I had a past due balance at school but I Officer coughed up nearly $400. He lubs me so it was all good in love and basketball :)

I'm just happy to be making some moves albeit them small. I plan on finishing my degree by next Spring if not sooner. I'm taking three classes now and is tempted to slip one more class in but I want to ensure myself A's and B's. I still will be working so I don't want too much on my plate. If at times I might seem a little down, don't hesitate to cheerlead in my comment box. I need all the support you can spare :)

-Toodles

I'm made of sugar, spice and everything SPITEFUL!

Me likey!

I use to be an accommodating person. I always wanted acceptance. It use to hurt me deeply when someone didn't appreciate the effort I put out or hit me with the What have you done for me lately? *Janet J. voice* I use to cry and rant to Officer about it and have him sigh, Why do you even care?

I cared because I'm human. You want to help others and have their help when you're in need. It also feels good to come to the aid of someone. However, rejection or plain ol' we don't give 2 fucks, has a bitter taste.

Something clicked in me after I experienced another similar incident. I realized, Hey I'm an adult and I can decide whether or not I want to end or continue this "abusive" relationship. I say abusive because I always felt victimized after. I began cutting ties with people and moving on with those who respected me.

The funny thing is after distancing myself, I realized I didn't really need them. I was doing good all by myself. *snaps*

You might want to applaud my actions but I also discovered a callousness as well. I currently go by the philosophy, Only do for those who do for you! Definitely not Christian-like, right? That motto was drafted for my heart. It's like a scab protecting an injury. I don't want to get hurt again in that spot. As self centered as that seems and IS, it's working for me. I never feel used anymore and I'm never doubting the intentions of the people I'm surrounding with.


Win Win Win An Office reference when it was funny..




-Toodles

Name that feeling!

1. I feel _______ that I'm not receiving any real help (besides my SIL) for my wedding.

 2. I'm ________ that my wedding is only 5 months away!

3. I feel__________ about the money that this wedding will cost.

-Toodles

I don't need this, my man has 2 jobs!

The above title was in honor of Rochelle from Everybody Hates Chris.
Every job I've had in the cellular business was working for an indirect dealer. That means selling, let's say Verizon, a company's product but not being employed by them. Also, every company I was employed by, rented space within another company's store.
Confused? :) You can see how this set up can be a mess.
With my last company, the store we rented space from didn't care two cents what we did. We sold phones, made them money, they were happy.
But my current one? Hmph...
Today I was told I can't have my cellphone on the sales floor. I've never carried on phone conversations or openly texted while working here. So sir, your store is dry, we barely average two phones a week. You're giving me grief about occasionally texting? Oh.

Deflated

That's how my job search has me feeling...

Yesterday's interview was another screening process. The interview was different all around. There was one recruiter and ten applicants. The recruiter went around, asking questions and we stood and responded.

Exactly my thoughts.

I just knew we would hear the results of our group interview that afternoon. Nope. I'll know next week if I'm moving forward in the interviewing process. This annoys me. I want to put my two weeks in so bad!

Patience, patience.

Oh, I didn't accept my last job offer. As much as I wanted the job, salary was almost doubled this one, the shift was worst than my current one. 3-830. Yup and it was all road work. I can't image myself driving around Baltimore at night in all types of weather. *sigh*

I can't win.

-Toodles

Gimme!

Everyday in our lives, people and things competing for our attention:  family, job, bills etc. You're suppose to balance everything out in order to have a healthy, stable life but... it's 2012. The economy is still in the shitter so even if you wanted to take a Mental Health day at work, who knows if your manager decide to use that against you. In turn... we extend ourselves to meet every demand. 

You're at every school event.

You stay after at work.

You take the kids back and forth to sports/music/etc.

Etc, etc, and more etc.

Even with all the extra attention, a person, place, or thing gets neglected. Which then leaves you unsatisfied in that arena.

*Takes in breath*

I hate my job, lol. Like totally. It's the area I'm lacking. It's sucking away all the energy that I want to give to my family, social life and relationship. I didn't give my job permission but the economy has forced my hand. I need the money. I can't afford to quit so I'm dragging my feet to stand on them for 9 hours. 

Ugh.

Play a tiny violin, say a prayer, or whisper my name in the wind. I need help :)

-Toodles

Sitting up in my room...

There's something about the holidays that tends to trigger feelings you have of distance and/or family members that passed on. I'm getting hit double with all the wedding planning I'm doing. If you didn't know, I wasn't raised by my biological family. In fact I never "lived" with them. My parents were 19 when they had me and 21 when they had my sister. They were young, dumb and ....... living in Baltimore. They tried by their own accounts to set up house but for whatever reasons it didn't stand. I don't fault them, blame them, or hate them at all. My experiences growing up, good or bad, made makes me the person I am today.

Even though I wasn't one of the Cosbys, I didn't go to Hilman *Kanye stance* I remember some things about my parents as a child.