It's My Wedding and I can cry if I want to....

This is me but a little bit chubbier

I'm the most chill person on a normal day. I like long walks in the park, vanilla ice cream, all that simple shit. But oh does wedding planning bring out the beast in a person. Right now my wedding support system consist of 3 people. Right, just 3. But Tierra, aren't your bridesmaids helping? No. Next question...

Every suggestion I give is met with resistance. I'm not asking for a lot compared to other brides I hear about.  I'm not choosing wedding hair or shoe, I'm as laid back as a fat cat. Maybe that's the problem, I dunno.

How is Officer handling all the wedding planning? Hmmm, like a boss. His groomsmen are yes men. He text them their needs and they do it. No questions, just yup as replies. Being a man is easy.

*Kat Stacks voice* Anyway doe....

Free Kat Stacks! If you don't know, now you know, Google her.

Honeymoon is paid, sending a check tomorrow for the photographer. \o/  That's two things I can wipe my hands of. From this day forth I will ignore any advice/opinion/concern that steps to mine.

I'm the Bride BITCH!

-Toodles

Sign my Friendship Contract

I seem to have a little problem. Besides not updating this blog on a regular basis, Wedding, School, Work REPEAT! I've been internally venting about my friendships with certain people. You see, two years ago I was basically without friends. Now you might say, gurl, everybody has friends, whatcha mean? Well, I don't categorize everyone as a friend. We're not in kindergarten, just because we know each other, a friend does not make. So I actively went about finding friends.....

Blah blah blah, I already wrote about how I felt about friendship here.

But...
There is a reason for this post. For the past couple of months, I've been in a runt. I've had some weekends where my kids were with auntiegranniedaddy. I was free but had nowhere to go. Scratch that, I had places to go but no one to go with. Yes, Officer and I went out a couple of times but I needed a girl's night out. Drinking, dancing and being acting sexy. But alas, this did not happen. For whatever reason, me, a person with three kids and multiple things going on, has more availability than everyone I know. Who would have thunk it? Other times when I called texted, everyone had plans that I obviously wasn't invited to. *cues tears*

After having an adult temper tantrum this Saturday because I was basically stood up, I declared to my bedroom furniture, I needed new friends!

But how do you ask someone to be your friend? I've meet people at work, the salon and other places, where I thought to myself, Self she could be your friend. But my problem is I don't know how to turn it into exchanging information. Everything I thought up sounded like a pick up line and that's not hot! *bounces like Tamar*

That's right, bounce like me boo, she, me, her!

I definitely need to draft up some friendship contacts and sent them 1st class to my current friends on some Housewives of Atlanta shit. I will be heard! Or invited out.

I'm so into my feelings y'all. :(



-Toodles

Gimme!

Everyday in our lives, people and things competing for our attention:  family, job, bills etc. You're suppose to balance everything out in order to have a healthy, stable life but... it's 2012. The economy is still in the shitter so even if you wanted to take a Mental Health day at work, who knows if your manager decide to use that against you. In turn... we extend ourselves to meet every demand. 

You're at every school event.

You stay after at work.

You take the kids back and forth to sports/music/etc.

Etc, etc, and more etc.

Even with all the extra attention, a person, place, or thing gets neglected. Which then leaves you unsatisfied in that arena.

*Takes in breath*

I hate my job, lol. Like totally. It's the area I'm lacking. It's sucking away all the energy that I want to give to my family, social life and relationship. I didn't give my job permission but the economy has forced my hand. I need the money. I can't afford to quit so I'm dragging my feet to stand on them for 9 hours. 

Ugh.

Play a tiny violin, say a prayer, or whisper my name in the wind. I need help :)

-Toodles

I know about love... Pt 3

You can read part one here and part two here.

Fast forward to July 14, 2005. I'm 21 years old. Life is good. I've been with Officer, my high school sweetheart, for four years now. We have two girls, one born just a week ago at the time. I'm settling in with our new addition when I get a phone call from my cousin.

Cousin: I saw Locks earlier.
Me: Oh.
Cousin: He was walking with his cousin and I picked them up and gave them a ride.
Me: That's cool.
Cousin: I told him you had two girls now and he has two girls by the girl he was messing with before you.
Me: Wow, I didn't know that (*thinks to self* God is funny)
Cousin: Yeah, he told me to tell you hi, and that he hopes you're doing good.
Me: Oh *rolls eyes*

My cousin and I talked some more and then that was it. I shrugged the whole conversation off and that was that.


                                                             -----Next Day-----
                           

"OMG, Locks is DEAD!!!" My cousin screams into the phone.
"WHAT?! But you saw him yesterday!"
"I know. After I dropped him off, Locks got into some argument with a guy and the guy shot him in the head later that night."

I was in shock. I was ashamed. The previous day my hatred and indifference to Locks wasn't pretty. I felt silly especially after the good will he had towards me. My cousin's sobbing snapped me back into reality.

"I should have just passed them by! If I would not have picked them up, Locks would'nt have seen the guy and the guy would not have killed him! It's my fault!!!"

Of course we both knew it wasn't my cousin's fault. From my cousin's conversation yesterday, I learned that Locks had a good job downtown working on a cruise ship. He was the sole provider for his family. Why did he go back to his old hangout? He changed his life, Locks didn't belong to those streets anymore, so why? It hurt my heart to know there will be two little girls without their father because some knuckle head couldn't settle a disagreement like an adult.

After hanging up the phone, I cried. As much as I moved on and erased Locks from my life, I was still human.  
And Locks was human too. We had good times and bad. He was my first love. A love that taught me how to adjust and manage other loves that will enter my life. When Officer came home from work, I told him all about Locks and his death. It felt good to get it the weight off my shoulders and heart.

And it feels even better releasing it here.

I know I've been calling him Locks throughout my blog but he has a name. I'm posting the article that was written about his killing. Locks was only 23 *sigh* If you stroll down, you'll see him, he was killed Thursday July 14th at 11:15 pm.

http://www2.citypaper.com/news/story.asp?id=10305

Rest in Peace Locks.



-Toodles

I know about love... Pt 2

You can read the first part here.

So there I was 17 years old walking away from my home towards someone I was sure was just using me. Locks took me back in and everything went back to normal. Because I wasn't working, I spent a lot of time in the library. Back then the internet wasn't popping as it is now so I just read books (I know). After a couple of visits at the library, I noticed a guy who seemed to keep the same hours as I did. I don't know if it was coincidence or he was deliberately trying to catch my attention, but it got us talking regularly. After a couple of weeks or so, he asked to take me out. Even though I was living with Locks, I didn't feel an attachment to him anymore especially after the porch incident. I guess I was using him now. I agreed to the Library boy's date and was psyched to go.

When library boy man (yes he was a man) said date I imagined food, movies, anything. First he took me to a music store. Library man played with some guitars, talked specs with the sales guy and then we were off. Okay, maybe we'll start the real date now, I thought. However, Library man had other plans. He drove me to his mother's daycare center (stop laughing). The daycare was operating out of a house so the upstairs was still set up like a family home. Once library man and I got upstairs, I noticed there was a man sitting in one of the rooms. Library man walked into the room and motioned for me to follow. I was leery but followed him anyway. Library man and this guy started talking and joking around. So they're friends, hmmm...  Then things got weird. Library man kept telling me to walk toward the door and come back over and over again. After the second time I realized him and his friends were checking me out. I asked to leave but he walked over and grabbed my butt. His friend was watching with intense interest. "How old are you?" Library man's friend asked. "17." "What?" Library man looked at the other guy and said, "It's time to go." I never told him my age but I always looked young so I don't know what Library man expected. Anyhow, I nearly fell down the stairs I was running to the car so fast. Looking back, I realize it was a set up. My naiveness almost got me into an ill-advised  threesome. I nearly fell down the stairs trying to get to the car.

Library man drove me to Locks house in silence. As we got closer to the house, I waited for an explanation that would never come. When the car pulled up to Locks' house I left all my what the fuckness in Library man's car. I never saw him again. But someone else saw Library man, Locks' sisters. Even though I never talked to them, his sister knew I stayed downstairs.

"I'm leaving. Thank you for everything and I will always love you." That was the gist of the note I left Locks. I placed the note under his pillow. This was a week after the Library man mess. I had had enough. I found out that Locks was still seeing his supposedly former girlfriend and everyone in the house knew expect me. School was starting in a month and I figured I could find somewhere to hang until then. I left Locks' house with my little bag of clothes and that was it.

But it wasn't. I was 17 and came from a very sheltered house. I had few friends. I stayed with this person and that person but after a week I had no other place to crash. One day I had spent a whole downtown and had no place for the night. I was desperate so I took the route to Locks' house. He never locked his back door so I just walked in. As I was getting settled in the basement, I heard someone whisper, It's her.

In less than a minute, Locks' three sisters were on me. His one sister was around my age but his other two were around 12-13 ish. I focused on fighting the older of the three while running to the door. I got to the alley with the older sister still punching me. "Stupid bitch!" She yelled before going back into the house.

My shirt was torn but I was ok. My shoulder was hurting and it wasn't until I got to a mirror later that I saw, someone had bit me. At the time I didn't know what prompted the fight. Later that week, I spoke with Locks. He kept asking me why did I steal his money. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. He said he had his sisters jump me because I stole $40 and that he knew I was seeing other men. He said his sisters saw me with a man in front of the house. I ignored the cheating comment and keep pleading my innocence about the theft. He didn't believe me. He thought that my letter was proof of my guilt.

I was shocked. I've seen the money Locks' bought in from selling drugs. It was more than $40. His belief that I stole his money and him getting me jump ended everything between us. I moved on and tried to forget him until...


To Be Continued


-Toodles

Conversations With My Daughters 3

Super Duper Sharp

My daughters misplaced their pencil sharpener so I was using a knife to make a point on my 6 year old's pencil.

6yo: Ma, did you know sharks make knives?

Me: Huh?

6yo: Yeah, I mean their teeth are so sharp.

Me: o_O

Happy Birthday Sissy!

My sister turned 25 yesterday! Which made me realize how much older I'm becoming *groan* I can't believe, hell I refuse to believe it. I remember being 6 or 7, chasing her down the hallway with a head less Barbie doll. Damn.

Anyway, years past my sister used to get depressed around her birthday because our "family" never call or did anything for her. This year I decided even if I had to rob a puppy, I was going to take her out. So I did.

I took her to a swanky little restaurant named www.teavolve.com. The happy hour pricing was beyond reasonable. We had $3-$4 glasses of wine and sangiras! And the food was awesomely priced too. Oh, and the cheapness of the food made it taste that much better ;)

We ate, drunk and laughed. Me and my sister rarely hang out because when I go out she's the one watching my girls lol. She told me about her recent NY trip and how she was thinking about living there. We both teared up about the possibility of us living in different states Maybe it was the wine? And I told her stories about daily living with my little monsters. It was the best night out I had in a minute. I love my sister dearly. Her and all her  25 years.


Sidenote: Neither of us took pictures of each other last night. We critique ourselves so hard. I mean, we say down right awful stuff. No one understands that but us :)


Oh, I saw one of my Twitter followers. I'm currently on hiatus from Twitter and he said, "I'm missing all my Lady J stories!" Hilarious!



-Toodles

Enemies, Friends: Same difference

I have people in my life that I swear only talk to me so they can pass my news on to others.

It's so annoying. Like right now, my facebook chat is overrunning with questions about my relationship and wedding.

*sigh*

I wanna ran away.

-Toodles