One of these things is not like the other

The cost of my (potential) wedding: $7k
Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries: 10 million <--difference? They actually made 18 million.
Am I a hater? Yes ma'am. I have a big butt and a better personality than Kim K. Where's my moola? Make me a thousandiare baby.
-Toodles

Victory tastes so sweet...

My Ravens are now 5-2 praise Jill Scott! I'll have to admit the first half against the Cardinals yesterday was straight poo poo. Our offense couldn't get it started and a string of turnovers resulted in Cardinal points. By half time, my Ravens jersey was shredded to Hulk proportions.

But the second quarter, Flacco got into rhythm. I'm thinking Pizza Hut gave him a buzz in the locker room. Joe Cool remembered he had tight ends and wait, Boldin was on the team too? Magic happened and we were in the game again.

The Cardinals and Ravens game was definitely a rollercaster ride. It was fun and I even put my hands up.

Ravens/Cardinals 30-27.

Summing up the game:
Boldin: 7 receptions, 145 yards
Rice: 18 carries, 63 yards and 3 (!!!!) touchdowns

-Toodles

What have you done for me lately?

That question can relate to a number of things: your spouse, your job, parents, bank.... But right now I pose this question to my.... *drum roll* gym.

I'm currently enrolled, but not active, at a bare minimum, low cost gym. Equipment, check. Tvs, check. Customer Service, no. I mean they have employees but they suck. The front desk is filled with inattentive jocks who only interest is signing you up for personal training.

True Story:
I was working out awhile ago and as I was leaving the gym I saw a sign that said free personal training class. At the bottom was a binder which I left my name and phone number. 10 minutes later as I was driving home, I received a call from the trainer ready to schedule an appointment. I picked a date and continued my ride. Fast forward to the next week. With my busy life *cough* I forgot about the personal training class. A received another call from the trainer and we rescheduled.

When we finally met up it was all business. The trainer weighed me, took my measurements and we discussed what my goals were. I told him I wanted to lose 50 pounds. He kept questioning me on what else I wanted for my body. I felt like he was sizing me up and picking different areas I needed to work on. "Don't you want toner arms? Tighter mid section?" I told him, yes that would be good too but the weight loss was the most important thing for me.

After the consultant, we moved to the workout section. I must admit, the trainer pushed me physically. We probably worked out a total of 15 minutes but it was one of the hardest sessions I ever had. My body was sore, in a good way, and I felt energized.

As you may notice, the trainer and I haven't talked about money yet. That's coming very soon....

As we went back upstairs to talk business, I tried to estimate a reasonable figure I could afford for weekly sessions. I was still unemployed at the time but was optimistic I wouldn't be for long.

--------------------------------------------------

"For 2 workouts a week it'll be $40. You'll sign on for 3 mths. The total is $480. Does that sound good to you?"

It did. Only because I know the price that other personal trainers charge. I was all for it until....

"To get started you need to pay 240."

Um, I don't have a job. I thought that since I paid membership the cost of the training would be applied to my account, monthly. As I expressed this to the trainer, I noticed another guy who was in the office straightening up, walk towards us. This guy then starts sprewing tons of benefits of personal training, how I can open a credit card, etc. I explained how I wanted the training but I didn't have the money to put down. This didn't derail him. In fact, now my trainer had join in. I had two people barking at me at signing the contract for personal training. This went on for ten minutes, Can you say turn off?

Now I was a salesperson for 7 years. I get it, you have sales goals. Probably working on commission. But learn how to back down. You can't magically water money seeds in my pocket and make them grow. I was so disgusted with the whole act that I never went back to that gym. Put of it was employees' pushy, aggressive behavior and some was plain ol' laziness but shush, don't tell nobody  :)

I told that looooong story because... I'm joining another gym. Planetfitness.com to be exact. They have awesome plans and even better benefits. For $10 down and $20/mth, I'll have unlimited fitness classes, half off drinks, free tanning o_O, and unlimited guest passes. Way better than the other gym, way. I wanted to join today but I gotta see what Officer wants to do. Maybe tomorrow I'll be posting before I go to the gym pictures.

*cross ya fingers*

-Toodles

I gots the sickness...

*Oprah voice* No, not Beiber fever but baby fever!

Nearly everyone I know is currently pregnant or has given birth recently. And I held a real live baby this afternoon! *giggles*

As much as I would love to have a baby boy of my own, we're 0/3. And the odds are set for us to have another girl. Don't get me wrong, girls are awesome. But I still want a little football player.

*tazers uterus*

After having Lady J, I declared myself retired from the baby making factory. No Michael Jordin comeback in my future. I'll just stick to borrowing other people's babies.

-Toodles

Potty training, the third time around

Remember a couple of post back *gives you time to reflect* when I said I never wanted Lady J to grow up? Well... I kinda do on one issue, potty training.

I've successfully trained two children. Hell, I even include that on my resume (not) but I think I'm good at it. Until Lady J turned 2. When my oldest girls  showed signs of readiness, I pulled out the pot, sat them down and two weeks later, potty trained! <-disclaimer, they didn't sit for two weeks straight, or did they....

Anyway, when Lady J showed signs, leaving to pee/poop in other rooms, telling me she soiled her diaper (!), I did nothing. I mean I changed her but I never ran out to get pull ups or even a pot.

But today, I'm taking a giant leap to Walmart to buy a pink potty fit for a queen. Lady J will sit on her throne and.... You get the point.

Wish us luck.

-Toodles

Hair Stuff

The above picture is a little bit of heaven in a 8.5 oz bottle. After being a weave wearing member for over a year, I think I'm turning my card in. Monday I removed all foreign hair from my head (ha!) and begin the process of relaxing, conditioning and styling my own hair.

And this is where that green and pink bottle comes in. I try to limit the amount of heat I use on my hair. So after I washed the conditioner out, I wrapped my hair with the Smooth'N Shine Polishing Olive & Tea Tree Mousse Whew! Despite the long name, it didn't take a lot of the product to have my smooth and shiny :)

Also, the smell is awesome. Even though it has olive and tea tree extract, the mousse smells like peppermint. Which to me, was a pleasant surprise. 

It has now been four days and my hair still has maintained the shine. The scent has faded some but I never expected the mousse to even have one.

Don't mind me, this post is a reminder, Tierra only use this! Lol

-Toodles

I want _________'s body!

                                                                    

Old picture

2011 picture, any questions?

                                                                                                                              

Before I went on hiatus from Twitter (it's been a month now, wow...) I followed Mya, the singer's profile. Her tweets were few and in between but most were about dieting. Whenever I read Mya's diet tweets I would roll my eyes in a signature move reserved for people who always talk about losing weight but have perfect bodies.

From her own song, Mya's "Body's Like Woah!

                                                                                          

                                   

 I wonder how many situpspushupsjogscrunchesjumpingjackssprints....it would take for my body to morph  into Mya's?

            

-Toodles

Hmmm...

Hey peeps, all the weight loss shows I watch got me thinking, "Maybe, I could start working out and dieting and posting pictures of said weight loss on my blog..."

                                                                 
                                         What y'all think?

-Toodles

Do over

Missed my phone interview this morning because for some reason my phone didn't receive the call. The only reason I was able to call the recruiter back because I got a voicemail notication, 10 mins later :/

My dog MJ ran into the street morning. My daughters' school bus couldn't leave because she didn't want to hit him. I had to chase him wearing a little tank top and my hair a mess. While MJ was running, he jumped on an elderly jogger :(

I finally got him to follow me into the yard and then into the house. For some reason, I went back outside and locked myself out.


Fail, Fail, Fail!!!!

This day needs to end soon, gosh.


-Toodles

My Ravens....

The purple koolaid has gone SOUR!

lost against the Jacksonville Jaguars last night :( Final score: 12-7

My Ravens lost against a team that had a 5 game losing streak. What the ___?

Our offense looked terrible. It was embarrassing. For some reason the Ravens always playing like limp noodles on Monday Night Fight ball games. You're on a national stage! Play with some urgency!

Summing up the game:

Ray Rice: 8 carries, 28 yds ???!!!!

Flacco: 21/38 for 137 yds

And the rest of the receiving team was nothing to even comment about...

The absolute worst thing about "our" lost last night was that we are no longer number 1 in the AFC North, the Steelers now are, UGGGGGHHHHH!

*burps up spoiled purple drink*

-Toodles

Toddler speak

Every morning after breakfast, Lady J has a routine established for her tv shows. She asks by name a couple of shows but I'm the only one who is able to translate what she says lol.

Lady J: Elmo World! = Sesame Street (this is an easy one)

Lady J: Hot dog! = Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (named so because the characters sings a song that begins "Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog!)

Lady J: Hi you! = Caillou (you take a guess lol)


See, there's a rhyme and reason to toddler madness :) I never want her to grow up :(



-Toodles

Home again

Hey guys, what another beautiful weekend in Baltimore. Yesterday me and my girl troop went out to a Fall festival. And of course, it was free! Pony rides, moon bounces, games, face painting, and food (!!!). The kids had an awesome time and all I paid for was gas :)

After the festival, we went to visit my sister. The girls helped her bake a birthday cake for our aunt (her bday was yesterday) and we danced to music for at least an hour.

On the drive back home, I had an urge to drive to the house I grew up in. If you remember, I was placed in foster care at the age of 7. So I haven't been to the house in 20 years. But my mind told me to drive there. After all these years I still know the address and all the cross streets to get there. I passed both  my primary and elementary schools on the way. As I got closer to the house, I started to tear up. I had my best memories here. Yes I was poor, yes I missed a lot of school, but I was loved.

As I pulled up to the house, I told the girls I use to lived there. Most of the block is abandoned buildings so the kids just looked at me crossed eyed. I took a couple of pictures and drove away.

I don't know why I wanted to drive there. Maybe my sister turning 25 made me realize how far we came, maybe because my late biological mother's bday is in 5 days or maybe because I've been lacking confidence in myself and God wanted me to remind me of where I came from. I don't know.

But I'm glad I drove to the house. Especially with my girls. My oldest two are around the ages my sister and I was placed with the state. Just thinking about that gives me chills.

What a life I had.

-Toodles

I want _________'s body!

I wish I had the upper body to rock this. My boobs say, no.

Yaaaaa honey!

Tracee Ross, Diana Ross' daughter. I love her sense of style. She's able to go Bohemian one day and flip it 180 to sex kitten, purrrrrr.

Plus, as you can see from the second picture, Tracee is dragging a full sized wagon back there. Not hating it at all :)

Check her out on her new show, Reed Between The Lines on BET. BET is finally trying to do something right with this new black family centered show. Support it!

-Toodles

It's Saturday! Hush!

I lived in an apartment for 7 years. Apartment living is a whole different beast. Like, the only interaction you had with your neighbors was a head nod before you half ran into your apartment. Now living in a town home for 1 going on 2 years, neighbor interaction is different. You have to greet them, put their garbage cans in their yard after they replaced yours last week, etc etc. It's hard work. But there's something else that home owners do differently than renters.

They take care of their dwellings!

Not saying renters don't care but you rent and maintenance comes with it. Sink clogged? Call maintenance. Toilet singing? Call maintenance.

For some reason, my neighbors LOVE their homes. Like today, Saturday, everyone is out cutting grass, fixing roofs, doing anything to make noise basically. I want to open my window and scream, It's Saturday, don't you have some news to watch? Kids to take out? Shopping to do? Can't that mowing/banging/trimming wait?

I'm just trying to sleep, web browse, blog, ignore kids over here, gosh.

They could at least wait until 12:30 when I leave out today :)

-Toodles

Envy

I totally have green eyes right now (jealousy). Officer and I had neighbors 3 years ago who we grew close with. They matched our swag. Our kids were the same age, the wife and I were stay at home moms, the men worked etc, etc. We had the same struggles as well, financial being the most common one. We both were living day by day. But then, our neighbors told us they were moving out of state because the husband was starting a new career.

Fast forward 3 years later, the husband is in advertisements for a branch of the armed forces nationwide and the wife is in local newspapers for winning a trip for completing her BA in two majors. I love them and am beyond happy for them but... what about us lol.

I want to move out of Baltimore badly. I feel held back here.  Same people, same sh-t. When Officer and I went to see our neighbors renew their vows, I asked how were they able to accomplish all their goals like they had, and the wife said, Just moving was everything. A fresh start.

Hmph, who knows, Atlanta here I come?



-Toodles

Sillies

What if Jessica Simpson is Beyonce's surrogate? I mean, Jessica's hiding her pregnancy and Beyonce's faking hers. LUUUUUUUUU



-Toodles

Happy Birthday Sissy!

My sister turned 25 yesterday! Which made me realize how much older I'm becoming *groan* I can't believe, hell I refuse to believe it. I remember being 6 or 7, chasing her down the hallway with a head less Barbie doll. Damn.

Anyway, years past my sister used to get depressed around her birthday because our "family" never call or did anything for her. This year I decided even if I had to rob a puppy, I was going to take her out. So I did.

I took her to a swanky little restaurant named www.teavolve.com. The happy hour pricing was beyond reasonable. We had $3-$4 glasses of wine and sangiras! And the food was awesomely priced too. Oh, and the cheapness of the food made it taste that much better ;)

We ate, drunk and laughed. Me and my sister rarely hang out because when I go out she's the one watching my girls lol. She told me about her recent NY trip and how she was thinking about living there. We both teared up about the possibility of us living in different states Maybe it was the wine? And I told her stories about daily living with my little monsters. It was the best night out I had in a minute. I love my sister dearly. Her and all her  25 years.


Sidenote: Neither of us took pictures of each other last night. We critique ourselves so hard. I mean, we say down right awful stuff. No one understands that but us :)


Oh, I saw one of my Twitter followers. I'm currently on hiatus from Twitter and he said, "I'm missing all my Lady J stories!" Hilarious!



-Toodles

Sometimes you just need to stay still

Any day the the kids are out of school, I go into hyper drive. I cruise the internet for family events scheduled for that day. Then I estimate the money I might need and away we go! But not today. Earlier this morning, I told my girls that I was going to take them to visit my sister so they could give her a belated Happy Birthday. Her birthday was yesterday. But looking at my gas tank, I knew I didn't have enough to drive 35 mins there and back home. I relayed that to my oldest daughter and she texted the message to my sister (!) My sister however said, No problem, I'll give you $20 for gas. Hmmmm... I considered and said we would be over around 3 pm.


3 pm went and passed, and now at quarter to 5, I'm lounging in bed, lol. Even though I'm unemployed, I rarely have chill days. I watch Lady J all day before my older girls come home while looking for jobs. Not exactly relaxing.


I also had plans to go clubbing tonight for a friend of a friend's bachelorette party but my body's giving me stay home vibes. So I think junk food and trash tv is in order for tonight.




-Toodles

Dermablend's AWESOME AWESOME cover up makeup

I have some acne scars on my face and trust me when I say, I definitely will be purchasing this product. Wow!





-Toodles

A little tinkering....

... and I did it! Yay! Wondering what I did? I fixed my lap top all by myself like a boss *puffs chest out*

My lap top went up last week and after finding out I needed a hard drive, I just went to using my smartphone's web browser more. I mean back in the day (when I had a job) $50 for a hard drive wasn't nothing. But right now, sheeeeeeit.

But today after looking into my allinoneeverythingfits closet, I found our 1st laptop that survived all of 1 year before the kids cracked the screen. A dimly lit lightbulb appeared over my head and I thought, Maybe I can use the hard drive from this computer, hmmm....

So, I watched a couple of youtube videos on how to replace a hard drive and BAM! I did it. Do the scissor leg, do the scissor leg!

I want to give a shout out to Dora, Handy Manny and all the wonderful influences in my life.

Back to web browsing... on my lap top!

All these tools and I only used one, the screw driver lol

-Toodles

Time Machine

I kinda want a do over. More than one actually. 3 or 4 would help.

-Toodles

Enemies, Friends: Same difference

I have people in my life that I swear only talk to me so they can pass my news on to others.

It's so annoying. Like right now, my facebook chat is overrunning with questions about my relationship and wedding.

*sigh*

I wanna ran away.

-Toodles

Growed up

I had a baby 2 yrs and 3 months ago. Today I don't know where she is. My baby has been replaced with a self reliant toddler who needs Mommy a little less every day. This of course makes me sad but that's part of life :/

I miss my baby but I'm anxious to see who this little person becomes.


-Toodles

Cop talk

"What happened at work last night?"

" It was pretty quiet. A 20 year old got shot in the neck at the end of my shift."

And ladies and gentlemen, that's a snippet of the kinds of conversations I have with Officer. Officer works overnight in the busiest district in Baltimore City. When I say busy, I don't mean they sell the most candy. Busy meaning A LOT of shootings and homicides. But that's Baltimore, what can you expect.*shrugs*

Officer rarely discusses his nights at at work with me. Mainly because so much happens and also because I find out things from Justin Fenton of The Baltimore Sun who tweets like a maniac updating crime reports.

But another reason is because Officer doesn't like bringing work home. When he gets home in the early am, Officer takes off his uniform and immediately plays his video game. He plays for an hour and then comes up to bed. I use to chided him about it but I realize now he needs the games to decompress.

As much as I asked him to changed shifts or lateral out, Officer refuses. He loves his coworkers and his job. It definitely takes a special person to put on a police uniform and protect Baltimore from the bad guys. I hope you guys appreciate it.

I do.

-Toodles

Beautiful Fall days

This weekend in Baltimore was absolutely sunny, warm and beautiful. So beautiful that me, my princesses and MJ took a walk.

And that was even more beautiful <3

-Toodles

Not a creature was stirring....

Every parent can appreciate that exact moment at night when the kids are asleep and you can finally hear your thoughts....

Aaaaaah...

And then you say to yourself, now what?

And that's where I'm at right now. Officer vacation started yesterday but he has been catching up on his sleep. So as much as I want his company, I also want him to get his rest :/

I guess I have another date with my television tonight.

-Toodles

RAVENS!!!

The Baltimore Ravens aka my baby daddies, are now 4-1 :)

Summing up the game:

Ray Rice: burners, hands.
Boldin: 100+ yards
Ray Lewis: 12 tackles and 1 sack.

Yaaaaas! My boys handled business.

*drinks purple koolaid all day, every day

-Toodles

Free Fall Baltimore

Halller! <- hello Madea speak
Are you broke? Do you have kids? Are your kids always whining every  weekend about being bored?
Well... Baltimore has something FREE for you and your family to do pretty much everyday this October!
Just go to freefallbaltimore.com and check the schedule of events. You're bound to find something fun :)
And you might bump into me, imagine that.


-Toodles

Technology dependency

My lap top decided it had enough of my excessive usage and went on vaca. I googled the error via my phone and found out my computer needs another hard drive. With a new hard drive, all my documents and pics are bye bye. Thankfully I have everything stored on memory cards so I'm good, whew.

Lately I've been trying to find the positive in every little curve ball the world has been throwing my way. So instead of pounding my chest, I decided to see my lap top down time as a push to read more books.

But.... that hasn't happened. Instead I've been using the web on my phone more, d'oh! The internet has become an essential necessity in my life. I must stay up to date with the news... and gossip lol.
I told myself after I write this blog entry that I'm going to finish reading my book.

For reals.


-Toodles

Dieting, no exercise YET

Hey party people! *waits for y'alls response*

For the past week instead of throwing my body into the street in hopes of getting hit by a car and getting money for my wedding... I have been dieting!

Oh, so no one cares? :( *rolls eyes* I don't really diet diet though. I hate restricting myself so I don't. Mostly I calorie count. By calorie counting, I can eat whatever making sure to watch my portions. And this works perfectly well for me. I lost 4 pounds last week and this without exercise.

This week I planned on incorporating exercise. I worked out twice this week which... wasn't enough lol. Hopefully today I'll be able to find some motivate to get up and move.

We'll see.

Toodles

Wedding sponsorships/ grants

When I started writing this blog, I mentioned how I was planning my wedding *awkward silence* Well... I dunno now. My unemployment has made my potential wedding, a non mf-ing factor *sigh*

I sit everyday thinking about how I can get the money to pay the deposit for this wedding (besides a job, smart ass). Oh how I wish I was Star Jones! <--not really, but she had her whole wedding sponsored. Or even better, Kim Kardashian. I mean, how in the hell do YOU get PAID to get married. Where they do dat at?

I remember seeing something on tv awhile back where some inner city (can't recall it, and don't feel like researching) paid for long term common law husbands/wives to get married. If only MD had something similar. We just need help with the initial deposit and we plan on paying the rest of the money off with our taxes.

Any way doe, Target, Macy's, Payless, Bed Bath and Beyond, if any of you companies (or all) would like to sponsor my wedding, comment! Lol. Any company can actually. At this point, if Raid sponsored, I'd give everyone traveling sized cans. I swear during my wedding I'd have your company name across my veil, I'll sing your company name doing my reception speech and have your dresses/shoes worn by myself and bridesmaids.

Real talk.

Toodles

Christina Aguilera

I won't even comment on her stance but is this a commercial for Pepto ?

I'm not one to talk about anyone's weight but Christina, what happened? And why are you wearing that? The wig, lipstick... everything is a plum mess. Xtina, you look like a dollar store piñata. Like I'm ashamed of you and I don't even know you. You climbed on stage looking like a hooker who sells herself for a McD's sweet tea and a fish filet sandwich. Christina, you thought what you were wearing was fit to sing for Michael Jackson's tribute? *MJ voice* Why? Why? Ummm... try again.


-Toodles

Sprint, the now network... probably won't last for the future....

"Sprint, based in Overland Park, Kansas, fell 60 cents, or 20 percent, to $2.41 in New York trading today, the most since December 2008. The shares have lost 43 percent this year." -Business Week


*Jaw drops*


Can't say I'm surprised. Sprint has 5.3 billion in cash and credit available and owes $19.8 billion. I dunno who told them to buy Nextel in 2005, a company who had totally different technologies. But that was the nail in their coffin in my opinion. 


Sprint is definitely a case of doing too much. I read that they invested almost all their funds into obtaining the I-Phone on their network. Hmmm... I'm definitely not upgrading. I don't want to get stuck with an unusable handset like I did when Cingular and At&t mergered.


I hope Sprint doesn't go under. With Verizon number one and At&t trying to buy T-Mobile, America needs healthy competition in the wireless department. 




-Toodles

.... Tricks are for kids

I've been forced to play the adult version of the quiet game for the past 4 days. I don't wanna play anymore. I'm tired of walking on egg shells but the ball isn't in my court. *sulks*




Someone tag me out.






-Toodles

Hate, hate, HATE!

During my daily job search I come across the same phrases over and over again to the point that I despite them! Here they are in no particular order of hatred...


Must have (10+) years of experience.


Must have Bachelor's Degree (Grrr!)


Must know medical terminology.


Must be able to travel 20% of the time.


Must have open and flexible availability. <<the dagger in my heart.

-Toodles

RIP___________

Even though I've never owned I-anything, I was in shock and awe at Steve Jobs passing yesterday. I knew throughout the years he battled life threatening illnesses and had received a liver. When he stepped down in August, many people speculated about Jobs' health. And then TMZ posted a picture of him two days after his resignation and I couldn't believe how fragile he was. Money can't buy health or happiness. This is definitely a reminder for me to appreciate everything in life that GOD afforded me. RIP Steve Jobs.

By one of my favorite comics, Ben Claassen, www.bendependent.com

-Toodles

Makes you go, Huh?

1. Puffy Puff P Diddy Sean Combs made a stink at an Atlanta night club about another man's drink. Apparently since Ciroc pays Puffy b.i.g. I made a funny lol money for promoting, he thinks we should give a damn. *sips water* But T.I. came to the rescue and shut Puffy up, real talk.


2. Baltimore law makers, I know texting and driving is a BIG distraction and has led to accidents and deaths but now we can't read text messages at the traffic light? I dunno get it. 

Sooooo unattractive to me now, meh

3. I love when idiots reveal themselves. Apparently Isiah Mustafa, the Old Spice "On a horse Guy" only wants to date women with "good hair." 
"Yes, it does have to be real hair. I want my kids to have nice hair so she better have good hair. Cause, I don’t know if you’ve checked my hair out lately. Aside from today it’s normally nice. Today it’s slightly nappy,” Mustafa said. <----Ignorant negro Of course he apologized on twitter so we're suppose to forget and play nice, riiiight.

I refuse to remember you like your last picture, on a gurney. RIP

4. Are y'all following the Michael Jackson trial? *sigh* I believe Dr. Murray was negligent for not giving proper supervision to MJ when he was sedated. However Michael Jackson was an addict. If Murray would have said no, some other doctor would have said yes. And some drs have according to prescriptions found at the scene.


-Toodles

"These are just my thoughts people, just what I was feeling at the time..."

How is it possible to be lonely living in a house fill of people? It's crazy to feel a certain way one day and the next.... I think my long drought of unemployment is stealing all my joy. I've never have felt so useless *shrugs* And when people tell me, Oh you'll get a job, I just want to give them the rundown of all the job applications I fill out daily. All the emails I receive stating the position has been filled or you don't fit the qualifications etc.

It's demeaning. I don't even think the wedding is happening next year. We don't have any extra money to even funnel into it right now. The worst part about that is telling my girls.

Depressed.


-Toodles

Billie Holiday

I love her. I don't know when I became fascinated with Billie Holiday. I do know it was before I even heard one note of her music. Billie's life mirrored both my biological mother and grandmother to a t. And because I know so little about them, I think I absorb everything there is to know about Lady Day.

Having lived in Baltimore, was involved in a life of prostitution, battled drug abuse and lost, these life challenges attracted me to Billie Holiday. Disregarding the singing, this was my mother's life :( And through Billie, I connect to my mother. I get to understand my mother even through I wasn't able to her my mother those deep questions before she passed away.

Billie Holiday's voice is so haunting. You felt all her pain and it swallows you up...

And I love her for that. 

One of Billie's lyrics tattooed on my leg :) 

So...

my personal life is in shambles. I messed up.





-Toodles