I miss you

I miss my mommy.

I lost her June 2009. One month before my youngest was born. I was placed on bedrest right before I received the call that she was found dead. I collapsed after Officer passed me the phone with my sister screaming in my ear. Everything was a blur, going to retrieve her belongings from her house, falling on her bed crying, complete and utter confusion.




More confusion especially when my sister and I was left to plan her funeral. We had just reunited with our mother 3 years prior after not seeing her for 15 years. We purchased her final clothes and a wig, not knowing her favorite color or taste. My sister, who looks just like her to a T, had the task of trying on clothes that we thought would suit our mother. We cracked jokes when we chose her undergarments, picking the fanciest ones.

All the planning and then, the funeral. All the phony family, spectators, and even an unknown boyfriend was present. I was good until I saw my mother laying there. So calm. I cried for all the moments we would never have, the grand daughter she would never see, and all the sweets and toys my girls wouldn't ever get from her.

Oh, I miss my mother.

She loved her grandchildren. Every time she went by my sister's house my mother left something for them. She felt like she was getting a second chance with my daughters because I had 3 girls like she did. The last thing she gave them were some stockings and a pack of underwear for Easter. I joked to my friend that she probably stole them because they weren't my girls' sizes. After Easter she fussed me out because she wanted a picture of the girls in their dresses. That would be the last time I ever talked to her.

I don't know why this is laying on my heart but I just have to write this. All this wedding planning is hitting me hard because I'm getting any support from my family for my big day. When I spoke to my mother about just going to the court house to get married, she said it was corny and we should do it big.

I will Ma, I will.



-Toodles